Chapter 13 (US) : Lets be chauvins
(God Damnit)

B/ France, my beautiful country...

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.  It is intended as a guide for American travelers only. Note: no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended. General overview France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe.  It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks.  It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney.  Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food.  One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at.  As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times. The People France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line.  The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior.  Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common.  Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition. Safety In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany.  By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London. History France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages.  Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. Government The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques.  Further information is not available at this time. Culture The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not exactly clear why.  All their songs sound the same, and they have  hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.  And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family -ha! ha! ha!). Cuisine Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is still a slug with a shell on its back.  Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.  In general, travellers are advised to stick to  cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn. Economy France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese. Public holidays France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.  Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed  Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.  Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12). Conclusion France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate.  In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.  The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. A word of warning The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut, and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad.  Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.  Thank you and good luck.

C/ God bless America ...
(Just like if He gave a shit about the other countries ...)

The following advisory for non American travelers heading for America was compiled from information provided by some very serious and trusted authority for their objectivity (Fox News, CNN ... Comedy Central), and some spy satellites that are so well made that the Americans still think they are theirs. It is intended as a guide for non American travelers only.

Note: A guarantee of very typically French accuracy and objectivity is ensured and intended.

General overview

United States of America is a quite obese-sized foreign country situated on the north American continent . They are an important member of the world community, though no one really understand why they joined the UN as they always do just the way THEY decided. They are bounded by Mexicans in the south, The Atlantic and Pacific oceans on the sides and by a smaller nation on the north, the French part of which is a good reason enough to cross the Atlantic.

USA is a very young country with, sometimes, very immature international reactions, usually blaming the other countries to be « too old to understand » when these countries officials disagree with them.

On the other hand, they have many cultural treasures, such as Indians cemeteries and the Daisy Duke. Among their contributions to world civilization are Coca Cola, Hamburger and Obesity.

Although America likes to think of itself as a modern nation, death penalty is still used and it is next to impossible to get decent food. Its not England, but ... almost.

One continuing exasperation for foreign visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking loud, though many are learning how to read and write. Not as in any foreign country, you dont have to watch your change, but rather watch the prices at all times.

The People

USA have a population of 200 million people more than France has, giving another example of the great saying Quality is better than quantities. Most of them eat and drink a great deal, drive like my grand parents, are dangerously over-religious, and would be the kind of people who stand patiently in line, during hours, without a single objection ... like real sheeps. The American people are in general loud, hypocrite, arrogant, aloof, ignorant and stupidly, desperately disciplined; and those are their good points.

Most American citizens are believers, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are republicans, and their law forbids to wear speedo when swimming. Women sometimes have mens voice. They say their first name when meeting but, when joining a bunch of people, they totally ignore the people they dont want to talk to ... and they never kiss each other ... never ever.

Non American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and stars and stripes trousers for easier camouflage.

Safety

In general, America is a safe destination ... well, you are advised not to go everywhere. Dont go to far from a police station and NEVER EVER smile to or look at people around you in the streets or those who are in the subway with you. It is very common in Paris, but it is strongly not recommended here.

Though travelers are advised that, from time to time, they invade other countries. That is why they are, from time to time, hit by the kind of reaction they call terrorism.

By tradition, the Americans destroy everything before even thinking about building something and, although sometimes they experience some international difficulties, they usually manage to get through the first part of this method. Apart from the fact that the second part is always missing, the international community doesnt see any difference at each invasion.

A few years ago, they attack a country specialized in this terrorism thing to make it easier for the Government to flee its responsibilities.
It worked quite well.

History

America was inhabited by Indians in the Dark Ages. But who gives a damn, here.
The important historical figures are :

- Paul Revere who told the farmers that the red coats are here.
- Jacques Cousteau who told the descendants of these farmers that the red fishes are in the oceans too.
- Andre the giant who told these same people how to play with rimes (The Princess Bride)
- Arnold Schwartzeneger who told Sarah Connor that her future would not be as boring as she first thought, who was a bodybuilder and an actor, and is a governor now.

All these people were French (exept for the last one who is from Austria) and, God knows why, they where mad at us when we told them about the kind of problems that are directly related to any kind of war.

When I think that France is the only country (almost ) they never had a war with ...

Government

The American form of government quite special, but is very present all over the world.. Even though America is a democracy, the president is not elected by the people and anyway the elections always result in the winning of the richer guy. If there is a doubt about that, the first one to walk in the White House wins the right to stop the recount.

For administrative purposes, the country is divided into States (Northern and Southern), into colors (the white, the black, the yellow and the others), into religions (good ones and bad ones) and into restaurants (those where you eat a lot and those where you eat even more).

Parliament consists of a couple of entities whose members are either Republicans or Democrats, neither of whom is to be trusted because they all are americans, frankly. Anyway, it doesnt really matter as the president always does just what he wants.

Parliament's principal preoccupations are destroying entire countries all over the world pretending to rebuild them better afterwards, and acting indignant when anyone complains.

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named George who seems to experience difficulties to assume his responsibilities as well as his own mother tongue. Further information is available at this time, a lot of it. Just type bushism on your favorite internet search agent.

Culture

The American pride themselves on their non-culture, though it is not exactly clear why. All their movies look the same, although they cover a wide range of subjects : crime, death, destruction, war, violence, blood, rape, murder, child stealing, pedophilia, cop murderers, war engines invading Earth ... and none of these movies would bring you to theater as they dont even have nude scenes to make them better. And nothing, of course, is more boring than talking to an American (except, perhaps, if he is republican -ha! ha! ha!).

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much sauce you put on it, a hamburger is still a nasty greasy peace of meat with some bread on it. Donuts, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most non-Americans to digest them. In general, travelers are advised not to eat more than a third of the portion they are served and keep the rest of it for the other meals of the trip.

Economy

USQ has a large and diversified economy, very outsourced, but rather in the poorest countries. Nobody can do better which is surprising because people are hardly educated. Their president even told it : Education is not a priority.

If they are not spending 23 seconds inhaling their lunch, they are pigging out, drinking coca-cola if they are at work, beer if they are watching a game. WaaaZZZAAAAAA!

USA's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are coca-cola, mass destruction weapons (the same they are trying to rediscover later), pepsi, coups d'états to place friendly dictators, Mac Donald, war and américan non-culture.

Public holidays

USA has less holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 3.5 national holidays are the Day of the veterans past, the veterans present and the veterans future, the Day of the liberty and the Day of We are the strongest anyway.

Other important holidays are National Election of G.W. Bush Senior to the presidency, War in Iraq, the National Election of G.W. Bush junior to the presidency and War in Iraq.

Conclusion

USA enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, almost as varied as their climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if the inhabitants had not been slautered by today's ancestor's inhabitants. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not too far from Quebec.

A word of warning

The Ambassy services of the French government are intended solely for the promotion of the French culture and for helping Franch People to go back to France as fast as possible.

If you though you could count on them to help you settle down here, forget it.

Apart from the July 14^th day cocktail, the ambassy organise a job fait every year. But if this event manages to bring a lot of French companies here, it's only purpose is to hire people in France and only over there ... The Vice President of the Employment for Manager Association, though from Brittany and really good speaker, will spend all his time to convince you to stop loosing your time and your soul in the USA and to go back in France to do something more serious than making money.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad.
They even have a saying, here : « America, love it or leave it » ...
Personally, I feel I didn't really hav the choice ... ahhhhhhhhh, l'amour.
And I always took my holidays at St Pierre-Quiberon, in Brittany, and you are advised to do as well.

Thank you and good luck.

Have a good day ...