Chapter 14 : My baby is coming !
(Dear Good Lord !)

A/ My wife is pregnant !

My wife told me the “news“ kind of like she did something wrong. While showing me the test, she was looking a little bit panicked.
Well !
It's been some time now that we have been talking about it ... and ... there you go, when you stop the pill, this is no magical trick : you get pregnant.
Oh my ! She was so stressed out !
“And what if it takes us a year ?”
“And what if I cannot conceive ?”
“And what if .... ?”

The big news arrived right at the beginning of the very same week my mom was visiting us.
How lucky we are ...
The question now was : 'What do we do ?'
I mean : What to say ... when ... how, ... ?
It was very confusing.
We wanted to be really really sure, before telling anything to anyone, and mostly to the future “grandmother”.
I know my mom, she is unstoppable !
She is like a steamroller, but in a nice positive way of course.

Anyway, we wanted to take our time and re-think everything.
How, when, what, how much ... and a whole bunch of other little questions that come all at once and make you dizzy, just thinking about it.

B/ Don't Panic !

Well ...
You know, for me ... nothing really changed. Apart from the mood swings ... hers ... and even for that, I was lucky. She did not really have any moment of rage of any kind.
On the other hand, women think that we feel everything they do.
I have some news for you, ladies : we don't !
You can get up 50 times a night, to go to pee or to vomit your ass off, as long as you don't wake us up ... we forgive you.
See how nice we are !
But here I exaggerate again, it is not really like that either.

Anyway, after 2 months of pregnancy, I am still completely 'out in space'.

Heather had the feeling that I was not interested enough.
So, as she is a woman, she did the first thing a woman does in that case : she began to talk about it.
I don't really know why, but these 'bonding moments' usually happened during an episode of Star Gate.

In the beginning, my very first reaction was to get the remote and put the volume up.
This was not the right thing to do.
Not at all.

Then I tried something else, like asking her to “sh#*! the f##!# up !”, but in a nice way !
It was like :
“My darling that I love more than anything else in the world, but would you please avoid talking while I am watching something really interesting ?”
This was not the right thing to do either.

I was close to running out of options.
Then I got the idea : voluntarily asking for information but at a moment I choose.
This idea somehow helped a bit.

And then the day of the appointment with the ... erh ... the OBJGIY#% something,
The Obstetrician Gynecologist !

C/ I am pregnant too . . . with a little train.

The OB' was quite a nice lady. She explained everything to us and took us in a private room to examine Heather.
I was watching her, rubbing the belly of my beloved with some sort of a blue grease. It reminded me of the one I used for the bearings of my roller-skates.
Then she took some kind of a screw driver (she was holding backward) and rubbed it in the grease some more.
And she was rubbing, and rubbing, left, right, left, and once again on the right ...
For a moment I was sceptic about the real use of this kind of tool in a doctor's office. I was about to protest when she said :
“Listen, it makes the sound of a little train !”
???!!!???
What ???
“What are you doing on my wife's belly ?!”
“Is it really the right moment to play tchoo tchoo ?!”
“Are people completely insane in USA or w' !” ... and then ... it became really creepy.
Kind like the twilight zone : you enter it, for good.
There was a little train in the room.
I could hear it !
“I'm sorry, what did you say ? In what ? Where ?”
“Inside my wife ?”
“Are you sure ?”
??!!??
Oh my God !!!!!
The screw driver was a special kind of ... microphone and what I was listening to, it was, the heart of the fetus ... beating !

At this very moment, I did not know what to do exactly, anymore.
Jump, yell, cry, hug my wife ... or run away.
I chose to stay, listen, and say nothing ... startled.
What else ?
Really !?

(...)

“But !!!”
“I am pregnant too !”
I mean, I will be a daddy.

It was there.
I mean here.
It was somewhere near.
It was somewhere swimming.
Swimming in a sea.

And in this sea, somewhere,
there was a little ... tiny ... thing.
Very, very there.
Really really not big.

But big enough to have a heart ...
a tiny beating heart.
And what's his name ?
His name is not Bart.

D/ And what about the name ?

To answer the question, we had, like for anything else, to get some documentation.
It's amazing what you can find on the net !
See for example : http://www.prenom.com or http://www.prenom.org.
These web-sites really get you into another world.

In our situation, the kid would always be in contact with 2 different cultures : French and American.
Therefore, it was essential to look for names easy to prononce in both languages, names that also would not provoque laughter in any language.
For example, everybody knows 'Charmed'. In this show , one of the sisters is 'Piper'.
Great name ... in English.
In French, it literally means 'Giving a blow job'.
Great name for a girl ... No ?

At the end of it, I think we did pretty well.
At this moment in time we have about 20 names ... for each sex.

I am almost tempted to put them all on the birth certificate ...

E/ And what about my job ?

Being unemployed is not a real blast.
After a few months of research, I just got a System Administrator job in an university : Tufts.
Really cool !
And a lot of the professors speak French also ....

F/ Her documentation

And then the weeks passed by.
And then the months.
My wife was getting more and more stressed out.

To calm down, she began to read everything on the subject : every single related web-site, every single related book.
Everything that could bring an once of information about babies was bought, read and processed.

The 'processing' part of this all thing was essentially based on :

“Don't you want to know what I just learned ?”
“You are not interested in your baby !”
“You are not interested in anything anyway !”
(...)
As you might have understood, I was quite stunned by the whole thing.
I was watching the 'processing' part from far away, confident to know everything I had to, concerning pregnancies and babies, calmly watching reruns of the “Dukes of Hazard”.

And her belly began to really grow.

She was mostly complaining about muscle pain and fatigue. She was getting more and more tired.
So ... I began to procure massages ... while watching reruns of the “Dukes of Hazard” of course.

G/ The first kick

At the 7^th month, my wife was clearly pregnant.
I often had my hear glued to her belly to hear the baby's heart ... in vain.
Then, one night, after reading the baby a story, I went closer, put my head on her belly ... and received a kick in the jaw, a real kick.
Heather had been telling me for a while now that the baby was kicking like crazy but you know, whatever women are blabbering ...

But it was true ! (for once)

Just like that, no warning, Bang !
This kid will be a Bruce Lee, I swear !
He was not out of the womb yet and we were already fighting, him and me.
Nice !

I just had my first bonding moment with my child.
It could have been moving if I did not have this kind of relationship with my dad, and for so long.

Anyway, my own dad passed away the 4^th of July 2000, and I have to admit that I kind of miss him, the old fart.

And me, young fart, I was becoming an old one ... taking my turn.
How ironic.

Fortunately for me, my mom is still here, always ready !
I am sure she won't miss an opportunity to remind me, every single time she could, how “sure it is not easy to raise a damn child !”.

- To my mom who reads these lines : I love you.

Plus, I am sure he will love ice hockey.
My wife bought him his first Bruins jersey ...

H/ My documentation

The time was passing by and ... I was watching it.
I mostly was watching my wife and her craving for books.
All those books had names like “The Baby's Bible”, “The Ultimate Guide To The Pregnancy”, “The intergalactic reference of the birth” ...
They all were enormous and all of them looked definitively out of my reach.

Then, one day, at work, one of my colleagues (also a computer geek, named Shawn, a really cool guy) told me about a baby book made specially for guys like us.
Some kind of an owner's manual, with operating instructions, trouble-shooting tips and advic on maintenance.
A guide just for me !
I jumped on my google / ebay web-site to grab it as fast as I could.
My baby quest really began that very day.
I received the book, and I finally began to read my first baby manual.
At last !

This manual is surprisingly useful, and damn well built.
Everything is told with words normal people are able to understand. At least I understood.
To summarize, it looks like the product is delivered already built, not like all these things you buy and you spend the whole night figuring out.

And that is good.

But, there are no accessories to go with it, not at all !
I already knew that this kind of product was sold with no manual, no warranty and no return policy of any kind ... but ...
With this last information, I felt a bit screwed, somehow.
On my own.
Would you buy a VCR without a remote ?
I know I wouldn't.

Well, everybody knows that nothing is sold with the batteries.
As people say : Always look at the bright side of life. (... and then you whistle. It's a British thing. I don't know.)

So, it looked like I had to go grab a whole bunch of stuff. I was more inclined to get a 'first time box', some kind of 'beginners kit'. My wife told me that, in USA, a special reunion was destined to help on this matter. She told me that hers was already prepared and would happen in our house. Here, they call that the 'baby bath' or something. It is something close to Christmas but without the tree and the decoration, and only one person was receiving gifts.
It is cool.
I let her continue her stuff and I continued to read my book.

It says that, fortunately, the model is at least equipped with a whole bunch of options, some of are more useful than others, and sometimes even kind of interesting (for some of them).

1- The model comes pre-equipped with a quite efficient audio/video system (mostly the audio one).
And I just entirely rewired the whole apartment ! This baby thing will fit so well ! I am sure of it.

2- The model comes blank but pre-formated, with a couple of basic softwares and drivers.
One of them has this 'learning bundle' already installed. It balances a bit the lack of database.
I mean, he must have some kind of database, but the tables and the fields are all empty !!!
---> Just a boot sequence and good luck, pal !
Not even an installation CD or whatever could go with it.

He does not even know his own name !
Ridiculous and laughable.

I tell you : “I feel screwed !”

Note that the efficiency of the software depends on the model itself. Some are better equipped than others. That's it.
It doesn't even depend on the programmation language !
I actually think that they are not pre-programmed at all.

Anyway, on the model we ordered, Heather and I intend to install a dual-boot sequence and program it in French and English at the same time. It looks like we are heading to some tough brainstorming time. Fortunately we are not the first one to attempt this kind of double installation on the same device.

Well, everything should be alright, mostly when you know the constructors ... the model will rock the world (This statement is made with humility and modesty).

All this information, even though very useful, did not get rid of all my worries.
I was still a bit confused.

So I went to buy another book, in order to get some real advice, to “Be Prepared”.
But I can not talk to much about what I found in these books, it would take a whole chapter.
In some other chapter, maybe.

I/ Baby's books

AH !

Books are very important !
At least, my wife says so.

The baby is not born yet, he already has a whole library of his own !
Great !

In this equivalent of the 'French Library' of Boston, among the marvels of modern literature (Doctor Seuss ...) you can find my own contribution :
I know, nobody is interested in kid's books, but I am, so, if you are bored already, go to the next paragraph.

             "The Baby Bichouck wild adventures" 

(pronounce 'Beeshook')

The story of a nice furry creature, with big round ears, who learns how to do things.

The first one is about how to put his shoes on.
The second brings you into the world of bath taking time.
The third explains how to brush your teeth.

Amazing !
Wild !

The 'Bichouck' concept is associated to a really soft graphical style.
It is really charming.

For those who would be interested : Editor's web site.

               “Tip & Top's adventures”
It's a book I loved when I was little.
This book tells the story of 2 French poodles on a journey in the park. And then one of them is stung by a bee, on the tail.
Fortunately, a nice girl cures them.
What a day !
(Re-reading it, I think I've found a new meaning for it. I think I still like this story)

               "Bon appétit"
It's a book my mom got from France.
Is she nuts ?
Obviously she doesn't know the obesity problem in this country !

Sometime I wonder what the H... she is thinking about.

               "Les animals"

Some other books my mom was not able to resist.

And finally : his first piano !!!!

J/ Some kind of an event ...

Even before the pregnancy, my wife and I have been thinking about a name for the baby.
We took a piece of paper and began the lists, one for each sex.
The ultrasound event allowed us to divide the list in half : It's a boy !
A list of 40 became a list of 20.

Then days passed by, and then the weeks did it too.

The list work was an on and off process.
Here an idea, there an impression.

After a while, the list shrunk, to finally end up being 4 or 5 names long.

We agreed on a '2 first names' base.
We just had to play with them a bit, and one day, we stopped.

The baby's name would be : Lucas Warren.

Both of these names were easy to pronounce in each language and none would make the boy sound like a clown each time he would be called.
We already saw that earlier in this page ... 'Piper' meaning ... well.

Anyway !

We had it.
The baby would have a name ... we just had to give it to him, some day.

And this happened totally by accident.

I was reading the baby a book and ... I called him ... by his name ... for the very first time.
At first, it was weird. Heather and I looked at each other, both surprised !
But we did it again.
It felt nice doing it.
Yes, it felt really nice.

Before that, he was 'baby boy', 'Johnny boy', 'baby', even 'le baby'.
But the baby was not a baby anymore.
This very evening, the baby became 'Lucas'.

From now on, he would be 'Lulu', 'Litl' Lulu' even 'Le Lulu'.

I can tell you : It felt great !

Really Great !

K/ Le Lulu's clothes

After the library ... in HIS bedroom of his own ... the little prince also has a complete set of clothes for at least his 2 first years !
And he is not even born yet.
He has enough to be a model for his entire life !
You have to admit that this is cool.

When I was young, I did not have all this stuff. I had to wear the same pair of socks over and over again for 10 years in a row !
Every day and every season. Blue sky or grey sky, it could have rained or snowed, ... same pair of socks.
At the end, they were a bit tight but, well, what can I say ... “C'est la vie !”.
The worst of it was that, at the end, they were not in style anymore.
I suffered so much !
My parents suffered too when they were young. I remember them saying that when they were my age, they had to walk 2 miles to get stoned and have sex.

Anyway !
Baby's clothes.
And all these sorts of things (as British people use to say).

My wife was not the first of her friends to have a baby.
And because these kind of things are useful for a very short period, they are given from friends to friends.
We got boxes and boxes of clothes. We got a whole bunch of them (see picture).

It goes from shoes to caps : It is awfully cute !

I almost have the feeling that the complete collection of last year is in these boxes.

Some even have price tags still attached to them.

It really is amazing what you can find for a baby.

Positively startling, it is.
The following is some of what you can find in USA :

Some very cute toys !!!

A very cute stuffed bear dressed with a 'bunny rabbit' bath tub, on top of which a cap makes the perfect fit for the ... erh ... 'bunny rabbit' bath tub.

The same item, cap down.
Note the perfect work on the ears.

All that because bears love to disguise as bunny rabbits ... it is very well known.

Some gloves ...
... also very cute, to avoid scratching and cutting ... because babies have sharp finger nails, razor blade sharp, and obviously they love to arm themselves ...

That's what they do.

The ‘Charles Ingalls’ shirt, to be dressed just like his daddy ... who is really beginning to dress up like a real American.

Note that our model wear her hair curly. She got style.

The jacket with a motorbike on the back (not enough room yet for an eagle) will be the best outfit to wear outside and show off a little.

The outfit will be completed so well by a bleue jean.
Very classy !

The little angel can not go out for halloween without the proper costume.
Specially for this event, the 'duck' costume will be so cute on him !

For the nights of our little Jesus, this pijama ‘Basketball/puppy dog’ will surely bring him to never never land where he will play, and play, and play again, with his real friend, his four legged companion of every moment

Woof woof.

“Hey, Lulu ! You are a real Dude !”

Yes he is !

The little Lucas will be a ‘Snow Dude’, a real one, a true one, no faking, no tricks !
This pastel outfit will remind anybody his immoderate passion for any type of surf related sport.

‘Snow Dude’, c'est Chic !

Once again, the little Lucas will not be able to resist to the plaisir of dressing up like daddy !

This shirt/pans outfit will be the perfect fit.

With this ‘Isaïa Edwards‘ style outfit, he will be able to go bear hunting in the woods, relaxed.

That's for sure, the bears will be honored to be in such stylish company !

But our little guy can not pretend to be a man without being a handy and creative : a DIY master.

This blue and red overall will help him show his real potential, his creative genius ...
... just like his daddy had been able to show his destructive genius, at the same age.

Well ... whatever I could say ... anyway,
for now I am cool, relaxed, waiting for the birthday ...
Maybe I should begin to think about wher the hospital might be located ...
Well ... We will see.

Have a good day ...